Gathering Exercise

Hi everyone, 

Please don't be too put off by the title. It's an old Nirvana song and I've always wanted to do something with it; luckily the exercise yesterday made that possible... at least for a draft. 

Oyster eating contest in 5 hours. 

Cheers,

Craig

I Hate Myself and I Want to Die                                       

I never cared about dream analysis until

I started losing limbs and spitting out teeth

then I lost the whole bottom half of my body and

floated down empty hospital halls like a ghost

but that was ten years ago all the books said I said

something I regretted but I blamed my tea kettle

it was designed with a whistle like a stainless steel

tuque that fit over the spout steam built up inside and

the only point of emission was incidentally

the place one reached to stop the high pitch shriek

the teapot was an award-winner designed

by an American architect who spent no time

in the kitchen this morning I drank coffee

on a deck in the woods turning in circles

and reading a story to myself bumblebees fought

or fucked midair like tiny chainsaws and when

their bodies clashed the discord amplified like dead limbs

falling to the ground after that I washed my face

put my laundry in three plastic grocery bags

packed my car grabbed my sunglasses and a book

and drove down Florida I-95 to visit my

mother grandmother and aunt they’ve been eating

vegan for four months we have yellow pea soup

with garlic and ginger even though its eighty

degrees outside then I pet the cat and put my feet

in the pool while my laundry dries there are Bud Lights

behind the leftovers in the bottom of the fridge

my grandmother’s arms are covered in dark purple

bruises and her hair is no longer permed

she wears a hairband like an elementary

schoolgirl to keep her bangs out of her eyes

watching the old television Westerns we always

thought were on for my grandfather she’s so sunken

into the chair we give each other a clumsy

half-hug when I say goodbye I can tell it’s

about six by the way the sun glares off the screen 

even though I know the time too by the way the light

breaks through the magnolia tree my default

setting is still suicide even though I know it’s

just one thought among many a passing idea

an automatic thought some empty phrasing

I’ve got in the bad habit of repeating

to myself  “I hate myself and I want to die”

I give it privilege over other thoughts that

are equal or more plausible like “I want to go

to the Mediterranean” going home

I think of a fight my mom and my dad had once

and driving around with him in the dark afterward

collecting for the daily newspaper we park

before each house and he reminds me from his little

blue book their name morning or afternoon edition

apartment number and how much they owe

before we go home he says something so tender and

atypical it was like nothing I’d ever heard

he put his arm around me and pulled me close

beside him behind the wheel “Stick with me kid

we’ll go places.”